Being in relationship, especially a decade long one, you start feeling a little under pressure after a while. You feel under pressure to get settled down, buy a house, get married and have a family. You start to feel the pressure of love.
Being single the pressure of love still does not go away. It just merely shifts.
It shifts to people wanting you to find another half. And to be honest with you I am not too sure which one is worse.
Pressure is a bitch.
I can openly admit to you all I constantly feel pressured. I not only feel pressured by others but I feel pressured by myself. I pressure myself till my lid is about to burst through the ceiling. I pressure myself to work hard. I pressure myself to be a better person. I pressure myself to keep my life as tidy as can be.
I can also tell you that this isn’t a nice feeling. Like at all.
But I don’t want to talk to you about how much pressure I put on myself and drown you all in a huge bucket of tears, oh no. I want to talk about the pressure of love. I want to talk about what people have expected from people a single 30 year old that is quite happily enjoying life right now with has no urgency to make any life changing decisions or plans. I am quite happy just the way I am being that loner in love.
This morning I was involved in a deep clean with my kitchen cupboards. Like I was so invested in organising the ultimate shiz out of them, that for one second I was totally content. I felt more excitement of organising my 1 million tins of chickpeas and plum tomatoes (my cupboard staples) than I would if I was to go on a date of some sort right now.
I have been living this solo life for nearly 2 years now and you know what. I am throughly enjoying it.
I have never been selfish person. I always put others feelings, emotions, plans and ideas before my own. I am the sort of person that can’t settle until the person I am with is ok and living their best lives. This puts a shit load of pressure on myself. I can’t live my own best life until that other person I am with is happy. I feel as if I need to make sure they are 100% ok before I can even start enjoying anything. You following?
I have decided for the time being I want to be responsible for my own feelings and my own feelings only. This to me sounds the like the most selfish thing I have ever done. But I have never done this before and I think I need to try a different approach. I have never just put myself first and said no to people and I guess theres is no time like there present hey?!
I have recently read this post from The Little Plum and a whole lot of things hit home. I just love my own time. Pottering around and getting things straight in silence and being super productive is just so me. This post also told me that it is ok not to make plans because you want to spend some time with yourself. To have a date night on your own. To actually pop in your diary in permeant marker that you have plans that eve and you ain’t cancelling. A night that you can do what you want to do.
It is important to spend time doing something that makes you feel a shit load better about yourself and not feel guilty about shunning other activities that are going on around you and not feel guilty. I also have huge guilt issues. Feeling guilty for doing anything other than work is blooming hard for me in general but that is a post for another day! Don’t want to bore you with that just yet.
I just feel right now that if I want to clean my cupboards and decline a date then I shall. If I am told by other people I don’t know what I am looking for then that is just the way it goes. I don’t want to be made to put pressure on myself just because someone isn’t getting what they want. No way, Jose. But if you ever find out before me what it is I am supposedly looking for can you do me favour and let me know what it is please? I’m not letting this pressure of love stop my cleaning spree.
What I am wearing :
Jumper // Primark // Similar Here
Jeans // Primark // Similar Here
Bag // Ralph Lauren // Similar Here
Shoes // Nike Air Max
On second thoughts. Don’t bother. I am actually just fine doing my thing right now.
Just because I am not settled down, in a relationship or actually really want one atm doesn’t mean I don’t want one in the future. I am just fine being me. The pressure of love needs to blow over first, so I’m going to sit tight and eat this whole bar of fruit and nut while I wait.
Photography // Ross Deighton