Let’s jump right in and not beat around the bush here.
These past few weeks have been a hella lot. There has been a truck load of emotions churning about my person. It was not what I was expecting and sort of hit me right in the face. I wasn’t expecting this one tiny little bit.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe the moon. Always blame the moon Carli!
Is it because I am venturing outside of my comfort zone? Possibly! Is it because there is to be some changes about to happen in my life? Even more possible. Let’s go a bit deeper hey?
I am doing two things that don’t sit quite as cosy as an autumn night with me right now and that is travelling alone and letting my guard down.
Lets touch on the first one first. My ultimate dream of hitting up a snow cabin for christmas with hot chocolates, a log fire and being drowned in the biggest ski jacket known to man are on the back burner for now. I am doing something a little different this year. Instead of being all cosy sat here, drinking a million hot chocolates and attempting to hike up here. I will be flying out to Vietnam to soak up some Southeast Asian experiences before Christmas, during Christmas and heading back just after.
The second thing that I just can’t physically seem to do and is a ‘work in progress’ is letting my guard down.
I keep those walls up. So far up. High above the clouds that you sort of give up thinking about reaching the top and start making the descent at a rather fast pace. Maybe that is why I am such a hermit as if I am alone binge watching The Adventures of Sabrina then I can’t get my feelings hurt because there is none around to hurt me.
I feel that over the past few weeks I have been letting my guard down, but I have been keeping it to myself not really understanding and quite frankly freaking the freak out. To put yourself out there when you have been hurt before and letting someone in makes me feel like the most vulnerable person on the planet. The Pressures of Love are hard enough never mind this minefield.
I guess I have been subconsciously talking my head into letting that guard down for a little while now, but the snails pace I go can sometimes can be a little to late. Your head can be in so deep that you can’t even concentrate on anything, and there you are, back to square one and disappointed in yourself yet again.
Disappointed that you didn’t let that guard down sooner? For sure! Disappointed that you can’t admit how you feel? Most definitely. Protecting myself and my feelings is just what I do. I know I am not the only person feeling this because this world here is place with ever so many humans on it, but you can feel on your own sometimes. You can feel that you are not normal. Instead of having a conversation about your feelings with the person that you really should have, you turn into a sarcastic little scared parakeet that beats around the bush until the big question in hand has been forgotten about. And then, just then you feel you can breathe again.
But then it can be too late……
What I am wearing :
Jumper // Primark // Similar Here
Jeans // Primark // Similar Here
Bag // The North Face*
Hat // The Bear Hug
Shoes // Nike Air Max
Letting my guard down has left me feeling petrified. It has left me feeling scared that my heart will break into a million pieces and I don’t have the energy to let that happen again.This is the reason why I shut myself away and cut myself off from any type of infiltrating emotions when it comes to this type of thing. Good old Netflix, cups of tea and kitty cuddles can’t do that you see.
Maybe it takes something or someone to really jolt you and get your back on track to the person you are. The person who wants to love and wants to be loved. Not the person who is so far away from those feelings because they have had those walls up for so long.
It can feel refreshing. It can feel scary as shit. And now I am getting waffly so I shall bid you a farewell.
I’m going to try and let this guard down a little and let’s see what happens.
Photography // Diana Da Silva